Spinach garden

I’m going to an L.A. raw foodie potluck this upcoming Saturday hosted by Dhru (We Like it Raw), Courtney Pool (Radical Radiance), and Puki Freeberg.  I’m nervous! I suffer from the shyness & insecurity when it comes to meeting strangers, especially when they’re famous (at least in the raw world).  I know it’s ridiculous.  I’ll be repeating self-love mantras all week. I’m sure it will end up being wonderful and it will help keep me motivated on this high-raw path.

I’m going to make carrot & currant salad from my all time favorite raw culinary book:  Living Cuisine by Renne Loux (Underkoffler). Simple, healthy, delicious and my non-raw family love it.   I need to keep this as low-stress as possible.  I’ll be sure to take my camera and let you know how it goes.

Speaking of stress, I’ve got a lot less of it now that my wife’s garden is producing.  No need to go to the farmers market and fight the crowds.  Check out the spinach patch!  Guess what I’m using in my green smoothie today!  Going to be a brown smoothie though. Spinach + orange = brown.  Ah well, it’s still good for me.

My lap

I’m still here.  Not doing so well, so I haven’t posted in a couple of weeks.  I’ve got some posts in reserve from the bounty of the South Central Farmer’s CSA box.  The amount of produce was overwhelming for this family of three and I did end up returning some of the bounty to the mother (that’s what they call composting at Living Light).    My compost may be expensive but the nutrients it returns to the soil will be superior!!

I’m a bit discouraged by that.  I treat it as a learning experience.  Next box we get will be shared with another family.  Or we’ll forgo boxes and purchase our South Central Farm produce from the farmers’ market in smaller batches.

I’m also a bit discouraged with my attitude.  I haven’t felt like exercising or eating well so I haven’t.   I suffer from a mood disorder — I’m hesitant to use the labels the docs have applied over the years.  Let’s just say that I’ve had many many many bouts of major depression over the years.   Exercise and eating well are the best treatment.  I know it.  Yet I go through periods where I can’t dig myself out of  my navel gazing rut.   I am under medical care for this.  My dream is to someday get off of medications and treat this condition with healthy living food.   It.is.just.so.effing.difficult.

I’m very interested in how some people can decide to make a change and then they just do it.  Bang! Done! One day you’re eating a typical North American Diet and the next you’re not.  See for example Philip McCluskey or Terrence Lavin.   Then there are the people like me – utterly convinced that a high raw vegan diet is capable of miracles — yet still struggling to embrace it after five (yes 5!!) years.

I don’t know what to make of it.  Perhaps its a factor of the condition.  It’s a dark blanket that suffocates any motivation and replaces it with persistent despondent thoughts.  Why bother?  Perhaps its a factor of the time it takes to see any major changes.  If you’ve got significant health issues it can take awhile to feel better.  Indulging in addictive dairy, sugar, or caffeine provides instant gratification that trumps the fact that putting that stuff in your body will actually make you feel worse longer term.

It’s a perpetuating cycle.  Negative thought loops lead to bad diet chemistry lead to more negative thought loops and the worsening of the condition.  The only way I’ve ever done the healthy thing is  by hanging onto a strict eating and exercise regime with pure white knuckles.  Obviously willpower doesn’t work.  If it did, I’d have five years of clean living under my belt.

I start doubting myself.  I don’t want this space to be filled with on-again, off-again, reports.  I don’t need self-flagellation.  I don’t need a public confessional space.  It’s tiresome to read journals from people who repeat their behavior over and over and over again.  I stop writing rather than fill this blog with reports of my failures.

I suspect there are more of us who fall into the camp of gradual change with many set-backs.  The type of person who does sudden, complete, and sustained change is a rarity.  I shouldn’t doubt that there is an audience of fellow healthy wanna-bes.  I just can’t bring myself to keep telling everybody that I’m not doing well.

I will be spending some time thinking about new ways to motivate myself.  I’ve got my bag of tricks like doing  another 30 day challenge, reading ETL or  raw vegan books, using online support groups.    I could use those, but I feel very half-hearted about it. I suspect bio-chemistry is at play here and if I force myself to eat right and exercise for a week or so that I’ll feel so much better that I can implement other forms of motivation.  I’ve lost my will though.  I need help.  I’m seriously considering a retreat.  Perhaps if I get away from my usual surroundings I can re-set my body chemistry.  If I get a jump-start I might be able to find the motivation to carry on.

Dr. Fuhrman’s blog Disease Proof has a post about food addiction positing the good doctor’s maxim that in order to lose one’s taste for sugar, salt, and unhealthy fats, one must completely abstain from those types of standard American diet (SAD) foods. The article says,

“You have to put in the time of abstinence up front to get the results.  If you’re always jumping back and forth due to toxic cravings, you won’t build the strength and sensitivity in the taste buds that make natural foods so delicious.”

I agree completely. I do have a wee quibble, however.  Total abstinence is incredibly difficult.  We live in a society that is not geared towards eating for health.  SAD food abounds at every restaurant and grocery store.  We are bombarded with messages in the mass media that glorify SAD food.  You just don’t see commercials extolling the virtues of bok choy, sorry.  Living in opposition to our surroundings requires much conscious effort.  And as I’ve said before, willpower is not enough.  It takes time to move beyond willpower into the unconscious habitual action.

It’s true that jumping back and forth won’t give your taste buds new sensitivity nor will it help you overcome heavy duty cravings. I don’t think it helps us yo-yo’ers to keep telling us that though.  We know what we’re supposed to be doing.  How about some tips for making it through the difficulties?

I think there is some benefit to increasing the amount of veggies and fruit in your diet even if you don’t refrain from the addictive stuff.  Yes, you will continue to suffer through the addiction.  But – and it’s a big but — the nutrition you get from the healthy food doesn’t disappear because you binged on Nutter-Butters.

In my experience, my desire for unhealthy stuff does decrease as I increase the proportion of green leafies in my diet.  I think we should recognize that and encourage people to keep up the good work.  Telling folks they won’t build the strength to overcome their taste buds unless they are totally abstinent is only going to discourage people.  Yes it’s true. But it’s hard enough to make good choices while living within the dominate culture.  How about recognizing the benefit of doing every little bit you can? Every small step does make a difference.  The encouragement is way better for motivation than implied admonishment.

That said, I’m about to take a vow of ETL strictness for Lent.  I’ve been doing the yo-yo thing since Christmas time.  It’s time to re-commit.  It was too easy to fall back into comforting myself with pastries and salty fried things during my most recent bout of stress with a capital “S.”  I know the first three days are going to be hard.  Please wish me well and say a prayer for my family: they will bear the brunt of my crankiness as I come-down from Mt.Sugar.

I’ve been gob-smacked with some very unpleasant surprises in the past week which have thrown me into a high anxiety stress-filled state. I hate to report that I’ve reverted to SAD eating as a form of comfort and convenience.

Sticking to healthy habits is incredibly hard during a crisis. It’s true that SAD is no more convenient than high-raw. In a pinch, it’s easier to go with the familiar.

I have to devise some strategies for managing my nutrition under duress. I’m sure it will make a lovely post once I figure it all out.