Navel gazing

My lap

I’m still here.  Not doing so well, so I haven’t posted in a couple of weeks.  I’ve got some posts in reserve from the bounty of the South Central Farmer’s CSA box.  The amount of produce was overwhelming for this family of three and I did end up returning some of the bounty to the mother (that’s what they call composting at Living Light).    My compost may be expensive but the nutrients it returns to the soil will be superior!!

I’m a bit discouraged by that.  I treat it as a learning experience.  Next box we get will be shared with another family.  Or we’ll forgo boxes and purchase our South Central Farm produce from the farmers’ market in smaller batches.

I’m also a bit discouraged with my attitude.  I haven’t felt like exercising or eating well so I haven’t.   I suffer from a mood disorder — I’m hesitant to use the labels the docs have applied over the years.  Let’s just say that I’ve had many many many bouts of major depression over the years.   Exercise and eating well are the best treatment.  I know it.  Yet I go through periods where I can’t dig myself out of  my navel gazing rut.   I am under medical care for this.  My dream is to someday get off of medications and treat this condition with healthy living food.   It.is.just.so.effing.difficult.

I’m very interested in how some people can decide to make a change and then they just do it.  Bang! Done! One day you’re eating a typical North American Diet and the next you’re not.  See for example Philip McCluskey or Terrence Lavin.   Then there are the people like me – utterly convinced that a high raw vegan diet is capable of miracles — yet still struggling to embrace it after five (yes 5!!) years.

I don’t know what to make of it.  Perhaps its a factor of the condition.  It’s a dark blanket that suffocates any motivation and replaces it with persistent despondent thoughts.  Why bother?  Perhaps its a factor of the time it takes to see any major changes.  If you’ve got significant health issues it can take awhile to feel better.  Indulging in addictive dairy, sugar, or caffeine provides instant gratification that trumps the fact that putting that stuff in your body will actually make you feel worse longer term.

It’s a perpetuating cycle.  Negative thought loops lead to bad diet chemistry lead to more negative thought loops and the worsening of the condition.  The only way I’ve ever done the healthy thing is  by hanging onto a strict eating and exercise regime with pure white knuckles.  Obviously willpower doesn’t work.  If it did, I’d have five years of clean living under my belt.

I start doubting myself.  I don’t want this space to be filled with on-again, off-again, reports.  I don’t need self-flagellation.  I don’t need a public confessional space.  It’s tiresome to read journals from people who repeat their behavior over and over and over again.  I stop writing rather than fill this blog with reports of my failures.

I suspect there are more of us who fall into the camp of gradual change with many set-backs.  The type of person who does sudden, complete, and sustained change is a rarity.  I shouldn’t doubt that there is an audience of fellow healthy wanna-bes.  I just can’t bring myself to keep telling everybody that I’m not doing well.

I will be spending some time thinking about new ways to motivate myself.  I’ve got my bag of tricks like doing  another 30 day challenge, reading ETL or  raw vegan books, using online support groups.    I could use those, but I feel very half-hearted about it. I suspect bio-chemistry is at play here and if I force myself to eat right and exercise for a week or so that I’ll feel so much better that I can implement other forms of motivation.  I’ve lost my will though.  I need help.  I’m seriously considering a retreat.  Perhaps if I get away from my usual surroundings I can re-set my body chemistry.  If I get a jump-start I might be able to find the motivation to carry on.